ISAACS FAMILY NEWSLETTER DECEMBER 2021

The first draft of the family update was soooo looong we dispensed with the quasi-philosophical (or BS) meandering introduction (you will be glad to hear). Let’s get stuck in.

Starring Dori

Dori (16 months; daughter of Elon and Leetal) has a sure future on stage. Leetal calls her an actress. She has developed the most wonderfully expressive features and gestures including “Where is…“; ”Open the door”; “Oy vey”; and my favourite one seems to asks timidly “Am I in trouble?”.

Like 4 billion other people on the planet, Dori’s current fad is mobile phones. After an initial cuddle and kiss, she always asks to play with my mobile phone. Her favourite app is the gallery, but anything with colour and movement enraptures her. One outcome of this “game” is that things on your phone are liable to appear or disappear. Yesterday, I hunted high and low to access my email, google search bar and phone settings. On the other hand, she downloaded the weather widget which was actually quite useful. Sorting out the phone is a small price to pay for spending time with Dori. She is so warm, friendly, smiley, easy going and smart. She makes grandparenting “grand” fun.

Ram - “Add to favourites”

In a newsletter from 2005, I noted soulfully that as small babies, all my boys preferred their mother over me (it’s hard to compete with on-demand nursing). Kindly people comforted me that little girls are more attached to their Dads. Not mine. They all preferred their Mum (and their Boobie Barbara) too. Read the rest of that story here (search for “Daddy’s girl).

Who would have dreamed that Ram (10 months; son of Orly and Chen) would turn the tables. You see, I am Ram’s favourite grandparent. I get the biggest smiles. He wants ME to hold him. He comes crawling after ME. Why? I don’t know. But I admit, I do enjoy it.

Ari “Oxon”

Ari has moved to Oxford where his girl-friend Shona is working on a medical research project. Oxford is a nice place - away from the big city, open spaces, historic buildings. Not for me though. Just walking the streets I would feel that everyone is smarter than me. At least Ari doesn’t have that problem.

Ari’s current hobby is climbing. He climbs walls with tiny little footholds and handholds to prepare himself for climbing rocks with even tinier, almost invisible footholds and handholds. He has been on climbing holidays with Shona (also a climber) and her brother (a serious climber). I have made enough ”climbing the walls” jokes at Ari’s expense, so I won’t make any more here.

Elon and Leetal – going with the ebb and flow

As the fourth Corona wave is receding and the fifth has not yet arrived, Elon’s business is back in business. Chanukkah is a boon. Magicians wish that small jug of oil had burned for 16 days. Since they moved to Kfar Saba, we see Elon, Leetal and Dori over weekends. Most Fridays there is a pilgrimage of Isaacs’s to Kfar Saba; today (you think I have time to write newsletters during the week?), Kfar Saba came to Elkana.

Naphtali and Adi – No “cheese”

Congratulations to Adi who has completed her studies and is now starting to look for work in human resources. Like the Prime Minister’s wife - and several hundred thousand other Israelis - Naphtali and Adi felt the need to escape abroad while Covid was in recession and chose Prague. Naphtali and Adi are not the types that photograph everything they do, see and eat. But a visit to historic Prague surely should be an exception. On the family whatsapp, Elisheva asked Naphtali to send photos. He replied with a screenshot of Prague from an Israeli travel site. When Judy wrote back insisting on “photos of you!!”, he sent a beautiful pic of Naphtali and Adi - from their wedding.

Orly and Chen – the difference between karma and hashgacha

Last newsletter I reported that Chen had taken a fantastic new job (which he loves) in a company located in the same building in which Orly worked – and that “karma” was pushing them together (they even lunched together). The “karma” reference was a theological slip up. As an orthodox Jew, I should have said “hashgacha pratit” (Divine providence), because “the powers that be” or “the big guy in the sky” decided to mix things up. You see, Orly has taken a new job herself at a company called SAP – a phenomenal international company with 100,000 workers and revenues that could fund a small country. Their offices are located in North Raanana – 25 kilometers away from where Chen now works. (So much for the “karma” pushing them together). But there is another twist to the tail. The SAP offices are literally next door to a new Amdocs building, currently under construction, where I will be working in less than one year from now. Hashgacha pratit.

Abigail לא הביישן למד (“Shy people cannot learn” (Ethics of Our Fathers)

Abigail is half-way through her first semester of her Maths & Computer Studies degree. This takes up about 90% of her waking hours, although she does find time to fill in for her gymnastics teacher from time to time. Abigail is doing extremely well. She loves most of the courses, but daily we hear of the nightmare known as “Infy” which none of the students understand, and how awful her “Infy” lecturer is. (“Infy”, it transpires, is short for “infinitesimal calculus”). Judy and I encouraged Abigail to ask questions in the lesson and keep on asking till she understands. And she did. After one particular lesson, where she grilled the professor even more than usual, she went to thank him at the end. I think he was thrilled to have a student who cared enough to ask, and commented that she is one of the best students in the class (of over 100).

Elisheva, licensed to… drive

“Beware! Elisheva is about”. “Insurance premiums are on the rise”. “Amdocs (the providers of my company car”) is in mourning”. These are just some of the signs penned by loving sister Orly and plastered over the walls of our house since Sunday when Elisheva passed her driving test, at her first attempt, aged 17 years and 2 months. Well done Elisheva, you would think. However, her siblings were quick to point out that one passed their test at 17 and one month; and another when they were still 16. Also, four of the six passed on gear cars, while Elisheva learned on an automatic (or what we call a “bimba”); and finally, Elisheva took more lessons (they would say nearly more than all the others put together). Naturally I ignored those excuses as sibling rivalry and congratulate Elisheva for her outstanding achievement. I greatly look forward to being her tutor, coaching her driving for the next six months, and screaming at her irresponsible, incompetent and dangerous driving and threatening never to let her near a car ever again if she so much as thinks of pressing the accelerator without my explicit instruction.

Elisheva, by the way, has been accepted into the IDF as a computer programmer. She will take a 6-month course before joining the army, and then serve for 6 years. This is the fulfilment of a plan Elisheva hatched in 7^th grade. I take my hat off to you, Elisheva.

Happy Chanukah  

Judy, Michael, and all the Isaacs Elkana family

 

ISAACS FAMILY NEWSLETTER SEPTEMBER 2021, Hol Hamoed Succot

You are probably familiar with the Sycophant’s Law “what interests my boss, fascinates me”. The parallel Bad Writers’ Law is “what fascinates me, bores everyone else”. I fear whenever I start a new newsletter. How not to bore. Because of my ability to bore I get frequent reminders including one just yesterday from one of my son’s who reminded me of a tale. Once, on the way to shul in Herzliya Pituach, he asked me, innocently enough, “Dad, what is an embassy?”. My recollection is that I answered with an eloquent and erudite 15-minute monologue on government, policy and international relations. His recollection was “I still don’t understand what an embassy is”.

The risk of boring my readers has grown exponentially as I am now not just a Pa, but a Grandpa. And the only thing more boring than hearing about someone else’s kids, is hearing about their grandchildren. Fortunately, the newsletter has an opt-in format, like Zoom. Join when you wish, and when you lose interest, just turn off your camera.

Dori the Explorer

A few weeks ago, we celebrated in Elkana the first birthday of our oldest grandchild Dori (daughter of Elon and Leetal) together with Leetal’s extended family, including her three young cousins from California who came to Israel for the summer. There was a dinosaur-shaped inflatable water slide, a huge birthday cake, a special new game for first birthday’s called “smash-the-cake” and lots of photographs and videos. We were just missing a magician to entertain us…staaam…. we had a magician, but he took the day off.

Elon, Leetal and Dori at Dori's first birthday party

Judy and I are re-experiencing the excitement of parenting through grandparenting Dori. One forgets the elation of witnessing the firsts of child development: the first time a baby sits up, eats solids, first words; crawling, standing. But best, to my mind, is walking. Dori is at that stage where every day she walks a little further. She has become, like her near-namesake, an Explorer. Elon and Leetal sent videos of her wandering around a shopping mall, exploring interesting shops, letting her little legs take her wherever her curiosity calls, without the slightest concern for where her parents are (and after about 50 seconds plonking down on her backside).

In parallel with walking, Dori is beginning to talk. When Ari was that age, I was fresh out of a Linguistics degree, and still harboring dreams of making an academic career in natural language processing (if I had done, maybe Siri would speak today with a Scottish accent). I would tirelessly and endlessly analyze Ari’s enunciation, vocabulary and grammar, and his progression from fricative to vocative. (all this linguistics could and should have driven Judy crazy, but already 30 years ago she developed an ability to turn off a proverbial zoom camera when I got boring).

These days are so precious. Because in just a week or two, Dori’s walking will no longer be news. Maybe Dori will have some new words or start playing piano or solve the Rubik’s cube. But I couldn’t let the walking moment amble by unrecorded in the Isaacs’ annals.

Ramchipoo

"Ramchipoo" and mother Orly

Orly and Chen with Ram on tiyul

My mother-in-law, a.k.a. Boobie, whom I love deeply with all my heart and soul, has a way with words. Knowing I am a fellow word-lover, she frequently emails me great collections of puns, hilarious spelling accidents and the like. But beyond that, she has the ability to instantaneously make up nonsense words to describe things that don’t have names. She can say things like “Pass the chinglyboodums” or “What’s wrong with the whojamapoops” or “Did you have a nice time with tiddlywomkins?”. Boobie’s creations are invariably descriptive and unambiguous. Her gift is also applied to grandchildren who merited a variety of nicknames I won’t repear here. And her gift has been inherited by Orly. So, my grandson, (son of Orly and Chen) whom I swear was named “Ram” at his brit (and my memory is not failing me this time) is known alternatively as “Ram-ram”, “Ramchi”, “Ramchipoo”, and most recently “Ramchipalooloo” (or just “Lulu” for short). I fear what might come next. “Ramchipalovsky? Ramchipalooloolovitch? Ramchistiltskin?” “Ramchidoodles”. Who knows how this may end? (Hope you picked up on the subtle pun, there).

Orly and Ram in our garden

Now to the first Generation children – quick updates only

Ari’s home-coming– After 18 months on foreign soil, Ari is coming home for two weeks (cheers). We hope that only two or three of those days will be wasted in isolation. Judy has been interrogating the Health Ministry for weeks, but since the rules change every day, we don’t know for sure what will happen. We will be happy to know he has been allowed on the plane in the UK, and off it in Israel (regular readers will remember that doesn’t always happen). Judy has bought every food that Ari likes to ensure he enjoys being home so much, he returns as often as possible, for as long as possible, in the future.

Elon and Leetal – Elon is our child most affected by Corona. Just this week, three of his magic shows were cancelled due to children being in isolation or being positive (and I don’t mean their attitude to life). But Baruch hashem, enough shows go ahead to make a living. Leetal, who was, admirably, a stay-at-home Mum for as long as a possible without forfeiting her job, has returned to work, and adorable Dori is starting kindergarten (another first).

Naphtali and Adi – Being injured in the army is not recommended, but at least Naphtali gets some perks for the hefty price he paid and continues to pay, including membership of an organization called “Beit Halochem” that gives him and his family cheap access to a host of sports facilities. So, he and Adi are enjoying an Olympic swimming pool, tennis courts, sap, a gym, and all sorts of other activities, with trainers – all for the cost of about 40 bars of halva a month (that’s a story for another newsletter). We asked Naphtali, “how do you have time for all that recreation with your workaholism?”. Naphtali’s answer was simple: He gets up earlier. I wonder if Beit Halochem has facilities for Workaholics anonymous?

Orly and Chen – The cosmos or karma or fate or whatever you believe in is driving Orly and Chen together. Chen, who works in Petach Tikva was looking for a new job. He applied for lots of positions, interviewed across the country, but eventually closed the deal with a company that by chance is located in the same building as Orly’s company in Rosh Ha’Ayin. He starts in a couple of weeks. Good luck Chen with the new job!

Abigail – Abigail has two more weeks of freedom before starting her degree in Maths and Computers. She is making the most of that time with trips to friends, shopping malls, the beach, restaurants, ice-cream parlours, beauty parlours and the like. Although these trips are taken in my car – which I have not driven for a month - I don’t grudge her for a minute, because one she starts studying, her main relaxation time will be the time she spends in the lavatory.

Elisheva – Elisheva has initiated the process of applying for various computer units in the army – even though it is almost two years till she will be called up. Judging from the questionnaires she has been asked to complete, start-up nation army is not just looking just for applicants with mathematical ability. Even Elisheva’s success in university computer courses (while still in school) does not impress them. They are looking for whizzes whom at the age of 17 have already mastered multiple computer languages,  databases, apps and communication protocols. Hopefully, she will find her spot. It will take months till we know, so don’t hold your breath (unless your lungs are in exceptional condition).

Thankyou and well done to all who made it through to the end. Hag succot sameach from

Judy, Michael, and all the Isaacs Elkana family

 ISAACS FAMILY NEWSLETTER JULY-AUGUST 2021

My late father deeply engrained into my psyche at a very young age a hatred of hypocrisy. This occurred when he recounted a story of his teenagerhood in which someone - who should have known better –said to him “Do as I say, not as I do”. I wonder if my father knew that this sanctified epitome of hypocrisy had an illustrious history. It first appeared in print in 1654 and was attributed – how ironically - to preachers. So perhaps I was breaking a family tradition when, after returning from a week’s holiday in the UK, I posted on LinkedIn my stern advice these days NOT to travel abroad.

The purpose of our trip (Judy and I travelled together, but only I published the hypocritical post) was to visit Ari who is stuck in the UK. We had not seen him for 18 months. At the time of booking, Covid had basically ended in Israel and was beating a rhythmic retreat in the UK. By the date of our flight, the Delta variant had reared its ugly spikes and changed Covid’s tune.  

By chance, both Ari and his girl-friend Shona were unexpectedly free during our visit, so our jaunt to London morphed into four days in the Lake District – which offered the dual benefits of much nicer walks and distance from highly populated areas. Guided by Ari and his apps, we took three memorable hikes – Stickle Tarn and Stickle Pike and related lakes on Day 1, a series of unpronounceable peaks and more lakes on Day 2, and a traipse to Wray Castle on Day 3. Wray Castle is on the other, preserved side of Lake Windermere (special thanks to Beatrix Potter who bought up the land and prevented it being commercialized). 

Drama hit on Day 4. To exit the UK you have to produce negative results from a PCR Covid tests called “Fit to Fly”. To cut a long story short our results did not arrive on time (thanks to the Royal Mail that took two days too long to deliver Judy’s test, and lost my test completely). We arrived at the airport despondent where it was confirmed we could not board our Thursday evening flight back to Israel. We would have to redo the tests and reschedule our return to Sunday.

Although it’s inconvenient having travel plans go haywire, there are worse punishments than a weekend in London. Ari and Shona gracefully invited us to their home so we gained three more days with the prodigal, and also now had time to meet up with family (who invited us to stay with them too). And I got to see, outside the local Walford Rd synagogue, an extremely rare Victorian hexagonal Penfold post-box (small things please small minds).

Now for some updates. We’ll do it bottom up, which is also ladies first in our family.

Elisheva the Swot

I am not one to brag about children’s achievements (well, maybe I am), but Elisheva’s school diploma for 11^th grade is rare – at least as rare as Victorian hexagonal post boxes. All her grades are “excellent” meaning 95 plus. And if I recall correctly, 7 out of 9 are 100s. Now, I don’t want this to go to Elisheva’s head, and she is still waiting for results from her bagrut which, who knows, could all be failures… in theory - so I won’t let her read this paragraph before I send off the newsletter.

Gapless Abigail

Abigail is rounding off her second year in national service and is burning off vacation days like there is no tomorrow. She frequently accompanies Judy on her trips to the north and to Eilat. Abigail belongs to a generation for whom Covid ruined the concept of a gap year. Her age group was denied the experience of backpacking round South America or the Far East before starting university. I don’t think Abigail ever had an actual desire to do those things, but I will defend her democratic right to complain about it till my dying breath.

Mother Orly

When gorgeous grandson Ram was 5 months old, Orly returned to work part-time. This made us grand-parents also part-timers – part-time baby-sitters. My shift is half-day Sunday while Judy does Monday. I am not sure if caring for babies keeps me young. Maybe when I have to romp with five-year olds on the grass or play football with 10-year olds I will learn. PG I will let you know when the time comes.

Naphtali the 6% million dollar man

Naphtali is getting great experience in his start-up, although working obscene hours in the process. He leads a team of developers including off-shore workers from Georgia. Start-up nation is famous due to a a few dozen companies gobbled up by Google, Microsoft and the like for a fortune. But start up nation is actually composed 99% from a long tail of thousands of startups. Some are bought up;  some go public; some turn into profitable concerns; others close down. With every day that passes Naphtali’s company (Juno) takes another step en route to the big exit. There are great investors behind it and a growing list of customers. I guesstimate their chances to make it big are now up to about 6%.

Elon the Optimist

As I have mentioned before, Elon’s magic business takes a hit every time Covid numbers rise. But he never complains, and always focuses on what he has and not what he has not. This is an excellent quality which he has exhibited since the age of about 3 when he would return from shul proudly waving 3 sweeties he had caught at a barmitzva scrum, while the bigger kids were guzzling 30. The current fourth wave of Covid has washed over Elon’s business more gently. Not because there are fewer sick. I think that people simply cannot resist Elon’s incredible performances.

Ari the Ascender

If hobbies are the spice of life, climb on. Ari’s latest pastime is climbing. The huge popularity of the Ninja warrior reality TV show - had absolutely nothing to do with it. In a good week, Ari would go climb 3 or 4 times – until he moved to Oxford, which is a place more known for its rowing (I believe there is a university there as well). Apparently, just to join a rowing club in Oxford, you need to rob a bank – a proposition to which Ari gave deep consideration, before rejecting. You see, with the growing popularity of virtual currencies and digital payments there isn’t much cash left to place in the vaults these days. To make ends meet, bank robbers have been retraining in cyber.

That’s enough nonsense for now. Shana Tovah and lots of love from:

Judy, Michael and all the family

Elkana  

 This has never happened before. 2 newsletters in 10 days! Not really, this is a short addendum to the previous newsletter, as you will see below...

ISAACS FAMILY NEWSLETTER March 2021, Afternoon edition

Remember newspaper “afternoon editions”? As a child, on seeing high-street hawkers shouting “Extra! Extra! Read all about it”, I often wondered what news the late editions contained that the early ones did not. Political items of import like the football scores. This half-size newsletter is the Extra for March 2021. One of my offspring was insulted that I excluded the children from the recent update - sidelined by grandchildren and a kitchen cupboard – so  I was compelled to provide an addendum (just one page, I promise) covering the core family.

A.I. Come Home

The “Bring Ari Isaacs Home” campaign persists. Do not judge this campaign on its merits or on its chances of success. It is an expression of our love and yearning to see our son/brother/uncle after over a year. There is a ray of hope. The Israel High Court ruled to cancel the limitation on the number of people allowed to enter Israel. While one can only wonder if these esteemed jurists have any idea of what the hell has been going on in the world for the last 12 months, one must be thankful because maybe Ari could soon pop home for a visit.

Elon goes Mental

Elon exploited the Covid lockdown to raising Dori (7 months), and to upskill from “magician” to “mentalist” (or in Hebrew אומן חושים  which Google translated for me as “artist senses”). Elon’s “mentalist” tricks are crazy. I saw him perform live in Elkana last week. He causes people to forget numbers and even their own names. He makes people feel their legs are so heavy that they can’t lift them off the ground, and their arms so rigid, they can’t bend them.  See it with your own eyes. Follow Elon on Facebook and Instagram.

Mr. Naphtali, Sir

Naphtali’s waking hours are devoted to two things - work and cycling to work. He was put in charge of a team of developers several months ago and is discovering the challenges of management. His employees are based in Georgia, which isn’t easy, but it does reduce the risk of them garroting him. I was, and am, a lousy manager. I enjoyed training people in new skills, but managing time and tasks was always a chore. I don’t know how Naphtali sees his professional future, but I have one excellent tip for him: Don’t ask Dad for advice.

Orly: You have reached your destination

Despite sleepless nights, Orly is enjoying motherhood, doting over iResistible Ram (and not going to work). Orly is one of the three tidy children in the family. When she enlists my help to get things for the baby – which, to be honest, happens several times a day – her instructions are impeccable, like “It’s in the small chest of drawers, in the second drawer on the left, at the right side, underneath the blue vest…”. Her brain is a visual database with Sat Nav. 

Abigail empowered

When Abigail was interviewed for national service, she explained very clearly where her skills and interests lie. Her employers found her a position that, on paper, matched her preferences to a tee. Except, that she HATED the job. Abigail requested to change role – something which doesn’t happen where she is. But with persistence, after three months, her transfer was approved. And she LOVES her new job. I know you won’t fall off your chairs in shock that Abi is also planning to join the family business and study… wait for it…computer science. Those who thought the family business might be “Linguistics and English Literature” are dear to my heart, but out of touch.

Elisheva’s anniversary

I have an eerie hesitation before penning this next item. In my December 2017 newsletter, I introduced you to one boy-friend and two-girl friends. Three years later, they had all become “in-laws”. Such is the power of a newsletter. Now, I take the step of introducing  you to Elisheva’s boyfriend of 11 months, Nitay, you can expect perhaps a bigger announcement around April 2024 (no pressure, kids). Let’s not forget, though, that he is too young to vote, and she is too young to drive. Nevertheless, this is no “one-year stand”. They are a sweet and devoted couple. So who knows? I got the okay from Elisheva to go public with her “good news”. I think she is actually looking forward to the publicity.

 ISAACS FAMILY NEWSLETTER March 15, 2021

If social media is like breaking news, then Isaacs family newsletters are like those end-of-year items on TV that capture everything you already forgot that happened in the last 12 months. Newsletters offer not so much news as perspective. I should change the name to “perspective-letters”, but it’s a bit of a mouthful (as are some newsletters).  

And this I say because by now most of you already know that Orly and Chen have a beautiful baby boy, named Ram Rachamim, born 32 days ago, exactly 6 months and 1 day after granddaughter #1 Dori, daughter of Elon and Leetal. I am pleased to announce further that on motsash Ram was redeemed from a Cohen (pidyon ha’ben) and is now irrefutably 100% the property of his parents. Let’s start with the grandkids.

Dori the Delicious

Dori is the sweetest baby I have ever known, raised wonderfully by two skilled and devoted parents. She has a gorgeous, ready laugh and Elon has dozens of tricks and games that never fail to make her giggle. With her father to entertain her, for Dori, Life is like bingeing on an endless stream of Monty Python,  Not the Nine O’clock News and Mr. Bean. An extremely healthy way to start and live Life.

Dori is heavily into pre-speech, always expressing her desires and complaints with a cute sort of guttural pre-roar which Mummy Leetal knows to translate into “I am hungry”, “I am tired” or “Change the channel”. I wait impatiently for the day when we can have our first conversations. Ironic, really, how there are some people you yearn to hear speak, while there are others you pray would shut up (mainly politicians).

Ram the R… (can’t think of a word starting with R that describes him)

Ram is also the sweetest baby I have ever known with gorgeous big blue eyes, and an expression of wonder on his face at the new and strange world around him. He hardly cries (at least when I am around) without a very, very good reason, and is totally irresistible. Ram the iRresistible (second letter R).

As you may recall, Orly and Chen live in our granny flat, which means Judy and I are very available and active grandparents, especially thanks to Covid19 which has us Working From Home.  Whenever Orly needs to rest, bath the baby or even “powder her nose”, there are two quinquagenarians eager to answer the call for help. Judy takes night shifts, often tending Ram till late. I do mornings. Typically, around 8.15, as I am at shul (or rather davening in the street minyan), I get a recorded whatsapp from Orly in a pitiful, pleading voice: “Ram didn’t sleep all night. I am exhausted. Can you look after him please?” “Sure I can, I answer. Orly: “And oh, and I think he might be dirty”.

A Grandpa never shirks his duty. I gleefully change (yes “gleefully”), swaddle, sing and send Ram back to sleep in the mornings, while I zoom with my work colleagues.

I actually managed to impress Orly - for the first time in about 25 years - with my nappy-changing skills, although that brief glow in the limelight rapidly dulled when Orly discovered that the intricacies of nappy changing can be mastered in a week.

Great Grandma Boobie Barbara also gets in on the act. Fully vaccinated, she is finally emerging from her near 12-month self-isolation and taking up her great-grandmotherly responsibilities, holding the baby for hours.

With 7 months of grandparenthood under our belts, I believe that despite all the superlatives, Grandparenthood is still under-rated. It’s hard to express in words the inner sense of joy and being blessed that warms the heart of a grandparent.

And now for something completely different

My line of business has a jargon that to outsiders sounds like Chinese, with a Scottish accent. And in my world “Transformation” is a favourite buzzword. Transformations don’t always succeed, unfortunately, because successful transformations require a new mindset. And with that intro, we can start.

Several months ago, our kitchen looked like the Gorbals in the ‘50’s, after hurricane Katrina. Doors, handles and surfaces were chipped, cracked, broken, water-damaged or simply absent. Add to that, an over-zealous “cleaner” who enthusiastically scrubbed our floor with some shiny new cleaning material that turned our white tiles black. Even I, the miserly Scot, admitted a kitchen makeover was in order.

As you would expect, Judy did everything – selecting the floor tiles, cupboards, interior design, lighting, overseeing the destruction and reconstruction of our kitchen – a story that deserves a newsletter of its own. But that is not our topic. Suffice it to say that after a lot of time, effort, mileage, and - let’s face it – money, we installed a beautiful new floor and a gorgeous country-style kitchen.

The only problem is that we are not exactly a tidy family. In fact, when someone entered our house, our knee-jerk greeting was not “Hello” but “Excuse the mess”. You see, if tidiness is next to G-dliness, then our house was located in Purgatory - near the southern exit. Only the most charitable people could call our house “messy”. It was more a primordial chaos. Strewn around our downstairs on the floor and couches you would find school books, earrings, pens, tipped-over plants, earphones, smelly socks, discarded tea bags, sandals, pillows, ketchup, used tissues, anti-perspirants, tooth brushes, nail clippers and other items that simply make one ask “how the hell did this get into the lounge?”. Our kitchen counter-tops fared no better. They were hardly visible  beneath the clutter of grills (milk and meat), toasters (sandwich and pop-up), kettles (regular and shabbas kettle which stayed on the counter all week),  forgotten peanut-butter jars, half-eaten apples, cheese and yoghurt cartons (their lids typically near the TV), school report cards, hairbrushes and so on. I used to spend two hours every Friday just putting things away before starting to clean for Shabbat.

That was before the “Transformation”.

Now, today, I challenge every one of you to knock on our door, at any hour of day or night, for a surprise inspection. You will find not a crumb on the counter; not a paper out of place. Order and serenity rule. Our kitchen could be a Feng Shui showroom, with the whole downstairs brightly illuminated to show our beautiful tidy house at its best.

This Transformation was not painless. Instigated by Sergeant Major Judy it involved months of warnings and threats, and much shouting to knock us into shape. This went explicitly against our parenting philosophy which did not prescribe a messy house, but included a commitment not to make our children’s lives miserable by bawling them out the whole time. However, with only Elisheva at home full time – and she is one of the three children in the family with a tidy streak – the timing was right.

In my business, it is a common truth that while executing a transformation is tough, the day 1 results are not a reliable indicator of success. We are at about Day 80 and still the order persists. So has the mindset changed? Have we become tidy? Or is this a mere temporary phase driven by our CoviD stay-at-home life, and the mortal fear of Judy’s wrath? Will the rot set in? Who knows? Fortunately, we can look to future newsletters for the answer.

No space for a full family update this time. Pesach sameach from us all.

Judy, Michael and all the extended family, Elkana