pics from up north

Here's a snap of the whole family.

Back row: Michael, Ari, Orly, Elon, Judy, Naphtali

Front row: Elisheva, Abigail

Newsletter July 2010

Posterity. So much is done for “Posterity”. I have never actually found out who this guy they call “Posterity” is and why everyone is always doing things for him, although I have noticed that most things done for “Posterity” tend to be silly and pointless - things no one else is interested in.

Today’s generation has an attention span that can just about handle a 128-character tweet, or, at a stretch, a mis-spelled 20-word facebook post. For them, a 1000-word newsletter is as daunting as Tolstoy’s War and Peace. So who will read our newsletters in the future? Who, but our reliable, uncomplaining friend – Posterity (and maybe also some of you).

Judy Priorities
Judy has her own way of doing things. For example, if walls are dirty, she doesn’t scrub ‘em; she paints ‘em. Last week we hosted friends for Friday night supper. The wonderful spread Judy put on overwhelmed our friends - two types of fish, three pies, four or five salads, all sorts of veggies, home-made spreads and more (that was just the main course). “When did you have time to prepare all this?” they asked, astounded. Judy just smiled. After they had gone, she confessed the truth. “Preparing the food was nothing; what took time was tidying the house”.

Daddy (Michael) is not the man he used to be
There was a time when I was a complete father - like a father duck (or drake) with all my offspring in tail. Three boys have lived away from home – in the army, mechinot and boarding schools - for the last three years and more, so it is rare for all eight of us to be at home together, even on Shabbat. Once, on surveying a sadly depleted Shabbat table lacking two out of six children, I commented that this Shabbat I was “only two-thirds a Daddy”. This casual turn of phrase entered the history books. Since that day, Abigail and Elisheva never fail to enquire every Friday “are you a complete Daddy today?” Depending on how many ducklings are home, the answer may be half, two-thirds or, about once a month, a complete Daddy. But when just one child is absent, the maths gets a bit hairy. Try explaining to a five year old that I feel 83.33333…% a Daddy.

Reporting for Duty: 2nd Lt Ari (22) and Private Elon (19)
Elon is now finishing basic training and has been assigned his “packal”. (“Packal” is the equipment a soldier carries in addition to his personal equipment). The coolest packal is the Negev. (Elon has a Negev). Elon’s main problem with infantry training for the first three months was that it wasn’t really all that hard. However, in the last couple of weeks he’s changed his tune since, in addition to ever-lengthening marches carrying the regular 30+ kilogrammes of equipment, he’s had to carry open stretchers for 7-10 kilometers at a time. You have to look at the bright side. At least he’s stopped complaining it’s too easy.

Soldiers speak a language of their own. They have code words, acronyms and slang that only the uniformed understand. When Ari and Elon are home together, we have to work hard to try to decipher their cryptic conversations. One sure topic of discussion between them is whose service is tougher. They can each recount horror stories of trials they were put through. It’s a question of pride. The soldiers that suffer more; the units that subject their soldiers to tougher training, are the coolest. Truth is they’re both training in 38 degree heat. Nothing cool about that.

Naphtali’s (17) game plan
Like the Jewish people in the wilderness who, after leaving compulsory bondage in Egypt choose to become slaves to HKBH, Naphtali, after securing his teudat bagrut (matriculation), has chosen to attend a yeshiva in Itamar. We are agreed that Naphtali will study for between three months and three years – or more; or less; depending. (We like to nail things down in our family).

Orly (15) Oh Oh Oh what a girl
Orly has also completed the first year of matriculation exams. Apart from achieving enviable results, her teachers and classmates singled her out for a special effort prize awarded to her in a moving ceremony in the local shul. This defines the difference between boys and girls. While such recognition brought Orly (and her parents) “nachas”, for the boys, being singled out as the class swot would have been social suicide.

Can’t get a straight answer out of Abigail (8)
Abigail has the acrobatic genes of Elon and Naphtali. She cart-wheels, flick-flacks and hand-stands from dawn till dusk (dusk is about 11pm in the Isaacs house). This can be frustrating. Try looking her in the eye for ten seconds; you get dizzy. And homework takes a little longer when the completion of every page is celebrated with a one-handed body spin.

Elisheva (5) and Abigail (8) as similar as a pea in a pod and a fish on a bicycle
To what extent are our children’s characters a result of our parental influence, the home environment, their social circle? 20+ years ago, raising our firstborn, the popular parenting books assured us that Mum and Dad fashioned their children’s personality. This was scary. By the time we got round to children three and four, Women’s Own, Women’s Weekly and other authoritative sources were quoting scientific data to prove that children’s personality was 50% determined before birth, with parent’s having limited influence on their development. This, too, was scary.

Raising children 5 and 6, I think both these theories are bunk. Abigail and Elisheva were raised in the same house by the same people in the same way – yet they are polar opposites. Their kindergarten teacher never fails to express her wonder at how two sisters could be so different. As she says with typical prejudice - “one is so Israeli and the other is so ‘American’”! Conclusion? Personality is 99% inborn. All we parents can do is polish the buttons. Now that is really scary.

Judy in Focus
I have a pet diatribe on what I call the “Disposable Age” - the age of over-plenty in which objects are designed to last for 3 minutes. A corner of a plastic toy snaps off – the toy stops working and needs to be discarded. A skirt rips – throw it out. An electronic appliance stops working - this is the worst. At the service center they tell you: “It’s not worthwhile to fix it”; or “this model is no longer supported”; or “Wow! I’ve seen pictures of this in history books!” This was the fate of our camcorder which served us well for a long long time, but went from cutting-edge to antique in five years, four of which were spent, jiggered, on the shelf.

We just invested in a new camcorder so that at kindergarten parties we will no longer be the parents snapping fuzzy photos with our mobile phones. Judy is a gadget person, and if I can prevail on her to help out, maybe we’ll issue the next newsletter as a YouTube video, starring all the characters you’ve been reading about for the last 17 years, or so.

And if the newsletter video lasts under 2 minutes, even the Twitter generation might sit through it.

Some thoughts on the loss of my Mother ע"ה

Hi,
Uncharacteristically, here are some thoughts I jotted down after the shiva for my Mother. Let me first say I was so privileged to enjoy a shiva in which I experienced an outpouring of love and caring, from so many of my personal friends and colleagues, as well as from Mum's family and acquaintances over the years. I could have written many posts about this (and maybe still will).

These aphorisms are presented as a indication of both my feelings and fears of what can and could happen at shiva houses. If some are uncharitable, please forgive them.

Thanks to Aubrey who contributed some of these

Of “The chair”
Sitting in the chair is humbling. All are above you and the ground is close.
Sitting in the chair is bad for back but good for the heart

Sitting in the chair is empowering. People listen to you. What have you to say?
Sitting in the chair is an opportunity. Share and involve your comforters. They may feel uncomfortable, but you will not regret it.
Sitting in the chair is a responsibility. Like a teacher, focus the class’s attention on the blackboard.
Sitting in the chair is exhausting. At the end of the day are you exhausted by introspection or by your performance?
Sitting in the chair, you choose to confront your feelings, or hide from them.

Sitting in the chair you know exactly what comforters should say; reverse the situation and your mind is a blank.


Of Comforting
The meeting of mourner and comforter occasions a chemical reaction which changes both. The mourner shares an experience and alleviates pain; the comforter gains an experience and loses indifference.
The comforter’s countenance is worth more than his words.
Hugs speak louder than words
If mourners do not mourn, comforters will not comfort

I would prefer my Mother to be alive.
Comforters are like fans in a sports stadium. Their presence expresses support, but their actions and wishes do not impact the result.
He who has not watched a loved one struggle for breath should not try to evaluate my pain.
If I am comfortable with silence, you can be too.
The best comfort you can give me is a story about my mother
If the mourner ends the shiva feeling empty, it is the mourner’s fault; if the comforter leaves the shiva house feeling empty, it is also the mourner’s fault.

Of Life and Death
Entering this world engenders pain for one, joy for a few, and a smile from many; exiting this world engenders pain for one, grief for a few, and a tear from many
Idle chatter denies the enormity of death
Building a picture of a lifetime from memories is like sifting through a handful of pieces from a 1000 piece puzzle.

Of The Shiva
The loss of life is diminished if the shiva does not change the mourner
Do you rise from the chair with relief or with reluctance? Which is better?
If Am Yisrael were to do proper tshuva, the temple would be built; if Am Yisrael were to do proper shiva, would the dead be resurrected?
The shiva is like old age; the days are long but the week is short.
You came to see me. You leave after becoming acquainted with my mother.
Sitting shiva is like getting drunk. You have a spellbound audience and an endless need to speak.
If you leave the mourner smiling, you will probably feel good; if you leave the mourner in tears, he will probably feel good.
באתי לנחם יצאתי מנוחם

Of Mourning
As I recite the kaddish, do you hear my tears?


Of Death
More surprising than the vastness of the experience of death, is Man’s ability to diminish it.
The kiss of G-d hurts.
A long life and a peaceful passing do not justify death.


Mourning customs
The mourner wears the signs of mourning as a badge of honour. The scruffy beard is like a plaster cast. It tells of initial excruciating pain, now stabilized, yet warns those around to handle with care.

Guidelines for mourners
Smile. Bite your tongue, and smile.
Direct your mourners and they will follow
אל תדון את חברך גם כשתגיע למקומו

Thoughts during the bedside vigil
Why has Mum’s blood pressure dropped? Her breathing looks more shallow. Where can I re-charge my mobile?

Words in my head:
Devastated, confusion, surrealistic, mood swings, responsibility, logistics

Wishing you all a Happy Pesach

I really need to add another picture - what Naphtali looks like today after his hair grew in and the scalp was covered over. He has a lovely "בלורית" and a good thick head of still quite short hair.

The dreadlocks are awful. But one day I'll add a picture of what Naphtali looked like with just long hair. He looked lovely.

Enjoy the pictures of Napthatli

As you probably all know, my Mother, Dorothy, passed away a few weeks ago. The loss of such a lovely and loving person, and devoted and doting mother, still fills me daily with a deep sadness. But the way of the world is that time heals, albeit gradually. The vibrant lives of the large families she left behind continue to amuse and amaze. And so, despite the grief, we carry on the newsletter tradition.

Elisheva (5) – The king was in his counting house counting out his…
How good were you (or are you) at parting peacefully – and preferably rapidly - from your children at kindergarten in the morning? I’ve had some heart-rending guilt-ridden spats in my time, as my angelic offspring, their faces stained with real tears, plead pitifully or hysterically not to leave them. A recommended strategy for such occasions is a parting ritual. Elisheva’s self-developed ritual makes all other Mummies jealous. The ritual is: I carry her into kindergarten, but my reward is generous - 25 big, noisy, slurpy kisses on each cheek! As the currency of true wealth is affection, I am very contented with my lot.

Abigail (8) - Cleanliness and G-dliness
I have recounted before Abigail’s tireless efforts to redeem the lost soul of her vagrant father (remember the mezuzah kissing?). Now, she flexes her missionary muscles into supervising the entire family’s ritual cleanliness. On Friday nights after Kiddush, Abigail rushes to the kitchen and takes charge of filling the נטלות with water for washing hands before eating bread. (I’m at a loss for an English translation for נטלות . נטלות are those funny-shaped two-handled beaker-like things used for ritual washing of the hands). No one is allowed to fill a נטלה for themselves.

We are a family of eight (without guests) with two sinks each fitted with aנטלה - which means Abigail races back and forth from sink to sink, for several intense minutes, like a wobbling weeble, until all 16 Isaacs hands are, under her eagle eye, duly cleaned and cleansed of dirt and impurity.

Orly (15) on a holy mission
Orly was chosen to be Bnei Akiva madricha for the village next door – Sha’arei Tikva. In the kitchen one evening, following her appointment and before her first meeting, Naphtali, who has been a madrich for the past two years, opened up and delivered a pep talk which left me and Judy speechless.

“You have to understand” insisted Naphtali, his curly locks twirling with passion “before you even think of becoming a madricha, what is your purpose in the world. How can you be responsible for the education of others before you know why you were created and what you are supposed to do?” And then rhetorically, “Do you know your purpose in the world? Do you know why you were created? Do you? Your purpose” he continued, no one daring to interrupt, ”is to fulfill G-d’s will. That’s what it’s all about. You have to fulfill G-d’s will. That’s the purpose. Everything you do, you have to ask yourself ‘is this fulfilling G-d’s will?’. Only once you understand that can you even begin to think of becoming a madricha. How can you teach others anything if you don’t even know the purpose of your own existence?”

Now, I learned a long time ago never to underestimate my children; they have knowledge, skills and depths that they keep discretely to themselves. But this particular speech, delivered with previously un-exhibited passion and conviction, left me and Judy flabbergasted (and very proud).

Orly seems to have taken Naphtali’s words to heart. She devotes many hours to preparing and delivering weekly activities. She has already faced a number of tricky questions and dilemmas, especially as she is dealing with a population less observant that what she is familiar with in Elkana. And she has become a friend and confidante to a number of young children in sometimes tickly situations. Of Orly’s achievements too, we are extremely proud.

Naphtali (17) – Before and After
You wouldn’t recognize Naphtali if you saw him. He’s had a “baldy”. When his hair became unmanageable (half way down his back), he twisted it into rather stubby dreadlocks. This was not a success. Dreadlocks are not bearable, it transpires. One night, his friends gathered to ceremoniously shear his locks one by one, then shaved his scalp almost clean. He now looks like a normal teenager (if there is such a thing as a “normal teenager”), which to be honest, takes some getting used to. Bli Neder, I will post some “before” and “after” pictures to the blog.

Elon (19) – Game-changing times
One thing both Naphtali and Elon can testify to - with short hair, your tefillin fit much better!

Elon shed his long hair, at the last moment possible, together with his civvies, the day before his call up to the army two weeks ago when he joined the Givati infantry brigade. As we speak, Elon is setting up camp somewhere in the desert north of Eilat beginning his first of many weeks training in the field.

Before going in, Elon participated in a local basketball competition conducted in memory of a friend and neighbor who tragically passed away two years ago aged just 36. The competition pitched seven local neighbourhood teams against each other. Elon played 35 minutes each game, scoring an average of 10 points and battling heroically for every rebound. The whole family turned up to cheer him along at every game. Elon’s team (the 80’s) won the competition with a 100% record, and the Isaacs family earned a special prize as the most enthusiastic supporters! The competition was such a success, the organizers promised to make it an annual fixture. See more about the competition here (in Hebrew).

Ari (22) – An officer’s work is never done
Ari is now a fully-fledged officer, sporting a bar on his shoulder in place of stripes on his arm. This is an outstanding achievement and we are immensely proud of him. He carries responsibility for 30 soldiers. Their military training is the least of his worries; he cares also for their medical, psychological, economic and domestic problems. And believe me these are plentiful. It’s a busy life. He came home at mid-day on Friday and over the following 32 hours, slept 29 rising briefly to fill his stomach to sustain him through the hours ahead of arduous sleep. Ari will accompany his soldiers through a nine-month training program. I hope he gets more control over his sleep regime, otherwise, all we’ll see of him is his dirty wash bag.

Wishing you all a Happy Passover.

Dorothy was hospitalized on Monday Jan 25th

Dorothy, my mother, has been in shaarei zedek hospital for the last two days. she is in the Geriatriac A ward. Diagnosis not yet done. Her situation is stable, and she is calm, very sleepy, with some breathing difficulties. Will update when more information is available