Uncharacteristically, here are some thoughts I jotted down after the shiva for my Mother. Let me first say I was so privileged to enjoy a shiva in which I experienced an outpouring of love and caring, from so many of my personal friends and colleagues, as well as from Mum's family and acquaintances over the years. I could have written many posts about this (and maybe still will).
These aphorisms are presented as a indication of both my feelings and fears of what can and could happen at shiva houses. If some are uncharitable, please forgive them.
Thanks to Aubrey who contributed some of these
Of “The chair”
Sitting in the chair is humbling. All are above you and the ground is close.
Sitting in the chair is bad for back but good for the heart
Sitting in the chair is empowering. People listen to you. What have you to say?
Sitting in the chair is an opportunity. Share and involve your comforters. They may feel uncomfortable, but you will not regret it.
Sitting in the chair is a responsibility. Like a teacher, focus the class’s attention on the blackboard.
Sitting in the chair is exhausting. At the end of the day are you exhausted by introspection or by your performance?
Sitting in the chair, you choose to confront your feelings, or hide from them.
Sitting in the chair you know exactly what comforters should say; reverse the situation and your mind is a blank.
Of Comforting
The meeting of mourner and comforter occasions a chemical reaction which changes both. The mourner shares an experience and alleviates pain; the comforter gains an experience and loses indifference.
The comforter’s countenance is worth more than his words.
Hugs speak louder than words
If mourners do not mourn, comforters will not comfort
I would prefer my Mother to be alive.
Comforters are like fans in a sports stadium. Their presence expresses support, but their actions and wishes do not impact the result.
He who has not watched a loved one struggle for breath should not try to evaluate my pain.
If I am comfortable with silence, you can be too.
The best comfort you can give me is a story about my mother
If the mourner ends the shiva feeling empty, it is the mourner’s fault; if the comforter leaves the shiva house feeling empty, it is also the mourner’s fault.
Of Life and Death
Entering this world engenders pain for one, joy for a few, and a smile from many; exiting this world engenders pain for one, grief for a few, and a tear from many
Idle chatter denies the enormity of death
Building a picture of a lifetime from memories is like sifting through a handful of pieces from a 1000 piece puzzle.
Of The Shiva
The loss of life is diminished if the shiva does not change the mourner
Do you rise from the chair with relief or with reluctance? Which is better?
If Am Yisrael were to do proper tshuva, the temple would be built; if Am Yisrael were to do proper shiva, would the dead be resurrected?
The shiva is like old age; the days are long but the week is short.
You came to see me. You leave after becoming acquainted with my mother.
Sitting shiva is like getting drunk. You have a spellbound audience and an endless need to speak.
If you leave the mourner smiling, you will probably feel good; if you leave the mourner in tears, he will probably feel good.
באתי לנחם יצאתי מנוחם
Of Mourning
As I recite the kaddish, do you hear my tears?
Of Death
More surprising than the vastness of the experience of death, is Man’s ability to diminish it.
The kiss of G-d hurts.
A long life and a peaceful passing do not justify death.
Mourning customs
The mourner wears the signs of mourning as a badge of honour. The scruffy beard is like a plaster cast. It tells of initial excruciating pain, now stabilized, yet warns those around to handle with care.
Guidelines for mourners
Smile. Bite your tongue, and smile.
Direct your mourners and they will follow
אל תדון את חברך גם כשתגיע למקומו
Thoughts during the bedside vigil
Why has Mum’s blood pressure dropped? Her breathing looks more shallow. Where can I re-charge my mobile?
Words in my head:
Devastated, confusion, surrealistic, mood swings, responsibility, logistics
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