Pesach 1998 (not distributed)

We’re really cutting it tight here.

Every normal human being in the country is slaving over a hot stove, cooking the seder menus, cutting up lettuce, boiling eggs, grating horseradish etc., and yours truly is banging on the old typewriter to wish the family and friends chag sameach. All of Israel re-experiences the experiences of slavery, prior to Pesach, by cleaning and kashering for weeks, while I get the cushy number of writing a newsletter. Boy, is this Good. This is my idea of slavery. Give me a word-processor and an empty hard disk, and a 400 year sentence to fill it in.

Family news now. Pesach is the time of the four children - one wise, one wicked, one simple, and one unable to ask questions. (I always held a sneaky admiration for the son who didn’t ask questions. There’s a certain wisdom to keeping your mouth shut - a wisdom and a virtue I sorely lack. I’m the sort of guy who says “when’s the baby due?” to unmarried women, and “maybe I can find you a shidduch” to married men). About the four children, we also have four children - all of whom, I am quick to point out, are wise.

The common thread to the whole family over the last six months has been chess. Even Orli, (3.5) joins in the fray. She tends to bend the rules, somewhat. I would say she plays chess with poetic license. She is not constrained by the mortal bonds of rules and restrictions. She’s grabs the pieces, and moves them, from any square on the board to any other, with no particular concern for colour or creed. Her games tend to be one-sided. You can’t beat a player whose Queen’s pawn can leap acrobatically over seven pieces, transcend the entire board, and capture her opponents king (while smiling cheekily). It may sound to you as if this loose application of the traditional rules of chess may somewhat detract from the intellectual challenge of the game. Well let me re-assure you, during our weekly Friday night ritual, when no child will rest until they’ve had a game of chess with Daddy, her right for a game is enforced with as much conviction as that of all the boys.

Naftali (5) and Eloni (7) are also quite accomplished players. They attend their chess class every week, and exhibit performances beyond their age groups. Naftali plays in a group for schoolchildren (he’s still in nursery), and Eloni, who is the youngest in his mini-league, (which is comprised mostly of children one to two years older than him), is in second place.

Ari (10) is a regular little league player, competing in Israel’s 4th league. He has a weekly group lesson with an International Grand Master. At first I pooh-poohed the idea of being taught by such a high-ranking player. It’s like learning Physics from Einstein, basketball from Jordan, or computers from Judy. But I was forced to change my mind when he played some unpronounceable pawn sacrifice against me, and caused me to resign in less than ten moves. Now the procedure is when Ari returns home from his lesson, he teaches me what he was taught. That way at least I have a chance of extracting a draw from him.

You will have noticed that Judy has been rather silent so far in this update. That’s because she has more brains than to start with the chess bug. And because if she did start, she’d be mating us all within a few weeks. Now I wouldn’t mind her mating with me. Actually, I’d be in favour. I think I might even prefer to be mated a bit more frequently than I am at present. But I would have to express resentment if she started mating all her other opponents as well.

Instead of playing chess for recreation, she’s regressed ten years to the world of computers. Judy now teaches five mornings a week in various campuses (campii, if you prefer) of the Open University. I think many of her students have developed a crush on her. She’s constantly receiving suspicious phone calls from “Moshe”, Yonatan”, “Ehud” and “other such apparently inconspicuously named callers, claiming to be students having trouble with their exercises. What else can I do other than believe her? She’s so busy preparing lessons, marking exams, and answering her students calls, I can’t get a word in. Maybe I should take a course in computers in the open university?

How trivial, though, to report on such familial matters, when Pesach is in the offing. I wouldn’t want to put out a newsletter at this time of year and Pass Over Pesach. Honestly, though, thank goodness Judy is working now. This way we have enough bread to pay for the matza. By the way, Judy is teaching a special computer language this week - PASCHAL.

Judy and I have both been travelling recently. Judy spent a few days in England attending her cousin Shira’s wedding. I crossed the Atlantic for the first time and set foot in America. Between the two of us, we brought back enough confectionery to wear out six toothbrushes. One of the best things about living in Israel, is that you get a real thrill from foreign goodies.

OK. Even by my lazy standards, I’ve taken enough time out for this letter, so I’ll sign off and wish you all a happy and kasher Pesach.